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[12/02/07] |
I dunno. I haven't even looked at this in a long time. Not because I don't have the time, I just don't. I kind of forgot about it to be honest, and if I've missed anything of yours that was important, please tell me.
I probably shouldn't be writing at 1:50am, but I needed to vent really quick.
My little sister was adopted. Her biological parents are my cousin Cindy, and her ex-husband Mark. When Jen was 7 months old, he was shaken, and in the hospital for 11 days, and during that time had 17 seizures. She had 6 doctors she had to see every two weeks for over a couple years. She was on meds for seizures until she was 17 months old. Cindy, Mark, Mark's parents, and a babysitter, were all suspects as to who shook Jennifer. My parents were the closest relatives at the time, and while investigations were going on, took custody of Jen. Cindy saw a lot of psychs and medical examiners and police officers, and there are theories that she was pressured into signing the confession by both Mark and the police, but she signed a confession to having shaken Jen, and also was found unfit to raise a child because she has special needs. Mark refused to see any of the psychs or medical examiners. After a year and a half, Cindy and Mark terminated their rights as parents to Jennifer, and my parents adopted her.
Mark is fucking scum, and so are his parents. There are maybe two people I have disliked more than this jackass prick. Jennifer got some beautiful stuff, a lot of keepsakes for her first Christmas, and Mark, being the fuckup he is, sold all of it for a trench coat. In Orange County. You don't need a fucking coat, let alone a trench coat, in southern California. At one point while they were still married, Cindy, who wears dentures, broke them by throwing them at the wall when her second daughter, Christina, was taken away by social services because the both of them were deemed unfit parents again, and Mark let her live without teeth while buying DVD players when they were still hugely expensive, and other bullshit he really didn't need, for years. Mark and his parents also asked my Mom and Dad to take Christina in, Jennifer's biological sister, but my Mom and Dad couldn't handle another kid. There were already 3, and Jen was a HUGE handful, with all of the doctors she needed to see, and all of the attention she needed because she's a special needs kid, so Christina went to live with Mark's parents.
My Mom and Dad did everything they could have to make sure Jen stayed in touch with Cindy, Mark and his parents. My Mom drove 45 minutes out to bring Jen to see them because they didn't have a car, and didn't want to take the bus out to see her. My parents lent them money. They made meals for them every time they did get a chance to come over. They could have said they couldn't have contact with Jennifer ever again, but they didn't, because they wanted her to know who her biological family was. It's her right.
Mark and Cindy divorced, Cindy moved up to Oregon, Mark's parents still had custody of his Cindy's second child Christina, and one night they just up and fled without a trace. They were gone for months without any contact. They still keep things very hush-hush. At first Christina wasn't allowed to tell Jen where she was when they'd talk online or on the phone. They blocked calls from Cindy and Cindy's Mom once Jen gave them their number. They still won't talk to her. Mark has this new girlfriend Cherylin that talks to Jen once in a while, too, which is weird, but whatever.
Earlier(yesterday, now), my Dad was passing by the office when Jen clicked really quickly to make sure my Dad wouldn't be able to see what she was reading. Of course, he needed to check 'cause some pervert 57-year-old could have been talking to her. It was an e-mail from Mark. He wrote this long-ass, bullshit letter about the fact that Cindy is dangerous and can snap at a moment's notice and hurt her again (which is complete bullshit, I don't think I know many people that are less threatening than her), that my Dad is an alcoholic, that Billy and James and Cherrise, all my siblings, have drug problems, that James is also an alcoholic, that Cindy's Mom is an alcoholic (she recovered almost 30 years ago and is a DRUG AND ALCOHOL COUNSELOR NOW), that we have all been lying to her so she wouldn't know who her real family is, that my parents promised things to Mark and his parents and never followed through, that "there is more to life than being grounded for stupid things" (my parents are not fucking stupid, and she is not an angel), that basically we fucked them over by getting Jen. And that the only people that can be trusted are Mark, his parents, and Christina.
Seriously, like, what kind of person does this to a 14-year-old kid, HIS DAUGHTER, who has special needs? And not only that, but he's got his 12-year-old daughter in on feeding someone else bullshit too. It's fucking...wow. I can't even begin to explain how angry this makes me. How much I want to be able to see the phone when it's ringing and notice their name, answer it, and tell this piece of shit fuck head exactly what I think of him, and what he can do with his long-ass, misspelt letter. The fucker misspelt almost everyone's name in it, and not only that, but he called Cherrise, our sister, Aunt Cherrise. The fucker doesn't know what he's talking about obviously, and my Dad said this and I'm in total agreement: he had to have been doing this to show off for this new woman he's dating. Cherylin. He has to be trying to make himself look good, in the short run. In the long run? He has to be trying to turn Jen away from her REAL family, the people who put a fucking roof over her head, who took care of her and made sure she got the attention and medical help she really needed, and what's he gonna do when she decides to go join their traveling freak show of fuckups? Take everything she possibly has, and run off on her too.
I don't know, man. I can't believe there are people like this. My parents have much more patience than I do. I would've called that bastard fuck up and told him what's what, and gotten a goddamn restraining order. See how he likes that. But they're still sort of deciding. I hope my Dad at least SAYS something, and it sounded like he was considering it. I just...wow. I'm glad that Jen seemed to understand that it was all bullshit, 'cause we all stood around and had a talk with her about it, and pointed out that that shithead didn't call her in about a seven-year period, that he didn't give her shit for longer, that he didn't try at all to see her, and that THEY were the ones running off in the night, obviously guilty of something. I just hope she doesn't somehow get sucked into it, because it will ruin her life.
Seriously, I need a machete and some pliers, and I'll be fucking set, man.
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[09/17/07] |
i can't wait to get into school, and to have homework and studying to do, and opportunities to meet people so i can go to the movies and go out to eat and go shopping and actually HAVE a life.
i'm so sick of stupid fucking drama online, stupid fucking CLIQUES in comms, people talking shit. sex scenes all the fucking time. people obviously just being in rp because they wanna pretend their favorite lead singers of mediocre bands are really fucking, and doing the bare minimum of writing so that they can get away with it. of being annoyed when all i want to do is escape and write and maybe do something fun for a while. of not knowing if i'm annoying because i bitch too. of missing old characters and not making any moves to revive them because i'm pretty sure we moved on a long time ago. of trying to start something new and only being disappointed or losing interest. of being bored with everything and ending up trying to branch out so much that i overextend myself.
i'm tired of the negativity, and the whining, and the bullshit. of thinking that stupid bitch is gonna try to contact me again. of thinking that girl who couldn't write to save her momma's ass is gonna try to contact me too. of thinking that someone's gonna freak the fuck out on me 'cause my characters AREN'T perfect, and sometimes sl's are more fun if there's a twist here and there.
i can't wait for a break from this, i really can't.
i wish things were the way they used to be.
i need to make some cuts 'cause i'm so done. this has been the loneliest summer of my life, and i want it to end.
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| and i don't know where to look;my words just break and melt. please just save me from this darkness. |
[08/08/07] |
[mood|  ]
[music| Placebo, TAI, Snow Patrol, etc...]
It's probably way too late for me to be writing. So this might not make much sense.
I'm just...I don't know. I'm really starting to feel it. It's ridiculous, too, because I know what will fix it, I just don't make the proper moves toward anything. Maybe it's laziness, maybe it's fear of change, maybe it's fear of failure. Something, though, is keeping me locked in my room, not going out and finding work, not going to my grandma's even though she's 85 and looking more and more frail, not...everything.
I don't like going many places anymore because I'm always asked where I work. If I have a job. "Nowhere." "Nope." "Not yet." "Waiting to hear from so and so." I'm so tired of being left hanging. I have all these back-up plans in my head and they just keep failing, and I'm not sure why. And it's funny. All I want is fucking part-time work, something easy and brainless, something that should be easy for me to get considering I have a ton of customer service experience. So what the fuck is wrong with me?
Maybe it's not me. Maybe it's the economy. Maybe it's the wrong places at the wrong times. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe maybe maybe.
I'm so lonely it's become a dull ache.
And there are people I can call. But I don't. Mostly because I don't like talking on the phone.
I can talk to my parents, if I really wanted. But I don't want to.
I have to keep them at a safe distance now that we're living together. Or so that's what my brain's conclusion is. They might get a peek into what's really going on, and then invade, and I don't know why I resist them so much, but I do. I figure I know myself better, I know what all my options are, and what will work. Even if I know it's not true, I still bury my problems as deeply inside myself and away from them as I possibly can, so they won't be able to see, and I assume I'll get around to helping myself. And every time I end up telling them something, I feel better, but it's that anticipation. They're just going to tell me exactly what I already know, what I've been telling myself. They'll see that I'm weak and not really this person who has it all together.
I've been told a lot of times that I'm strong, but I don't feel it right now. I feel so low it's beginning to feel scary. I feel as though I have nothing, nothing to offer.
And my body's starting to act out worse than it ever has before.
I have migraine-like headaches that only time can cure. Hours and hours. And my stomach has been reacting like it can't take anything but what's already in it, and it feels empty. And for a little while I feel relief, but otherwise I have these ulcer-ish and acidic pains. And god, I had caffeine today by default, just habit really. I wasn't even thinking. And I felt so sick for hours.
I go out once in a while, but it feels like I've been trapped within these four walls for a lot longer. Trapped, and of my own volition, and I really don't know how to get out anymore.
I'm even distancing myself from people online. And fuck, isn't it supposed to be easiest to talk online? Without the restriction of seeing a reaction? With the comfort of having a moment to process what you're going to say before you say it? Before you say too much?
Things...aren't that bad for me, either. That's the whole thing. I feel fucking pathetic. My parents are spoiling me. Maybe not like, to a huge extent, but there's no way I could be at want for anything right now, and I'm not working. I'm not going to school. God knows how irritated they're becoming with me because I haven't been trying, but they also don't know I'm in here crying.
I've also been realizing some feelings that I've been having that I used to find ridiculous in others. I don't want to elaborate on that just yet because I'm not fully comfortable with it, but it's one of those things where you feel like you hit a huge brick wall, and there's just...nothing to do but forget about it. It's not really a possibility. A distant one maybe, but not a realistic one.
I feel like I've said enough.
I'd like to end this by saying I think I'll be okay, but this time I'm just not completely sure, as melodramatic as that sounds.
Maybe I need meds or something. Maybe I just need a job. Maybe I just needed to write this all out so I can stop moping.
I don't know, I feel kinda like I'm going crazy, though. Nothing makes sense anymore.
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[07/31/07] |
[mood|  ]
[music| "I Miss You" -Incubus]
I need a job soon, or school to start or whichever comes first, or something, so I can be forced to make friends.
I don't like randomly crying because I'm lonely, heh.
Fucking mood swings.
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[05/25/07] |
[mood|  drained]
[music| "Transatlanticism" -Death Cab for Cutie]
While I was taking my posters down I was remembering when I'd been taking my Edward Scissorhands poster down in my old room in my parents's house before I moved to Monterey to go to college. My Mom came in to watch me, got teary-eyed and said, "It's like you're slowly being erased." It felt a little like that today, only maybe not as drastic. I didn't come up here with much and I'm leaving with even less. That's not a statement to cause a reaction, I'm just saying, I don't need a truck to follow me up to Oregon, and it's kinda strange. I'd always had more help. Friends, or my parents, someone. This time I can do it all by myself, semi-accidentally. I guess this is really happening. I think that I didn't really let it hit me until today, that I'm gonna be gone on Sunday and completely in Oregon on Tuesday night. It's a little scary, 'cause I've gotten used to this place, being around certain people, having certain things to do. I'm gonna have to learn my way around a whole new place, a whole new state, learn the rules of those roads and the mannerisms of the people driving and walking on them. Learn what the atmosphere is like and dealing with another possible culture shock and harsh realities. At the same time it's incredibly exciting and I can't wait to go exploring. I've been to Salem and other parts of Oregon, but I haven't been to Keizer, where I'm going to live. This is the first time I'm going to just be blindly moving into a new place without having been inside it before-hand and pictured my things there the way people do when they're buying a home. I'm going to work on being optimistic and have faith in the fact that I won't be a recluse, that I'll go out and make friends and not be at home by myself all the time. I won't fall into another depression. School will help, I'm sure. I want to meet people and lose weight and be active and change for the better. Maybe in my parents's house I'll feel that same old craving for acceptance and praise like I used to as a kid so that I'll actually do all those things, without letting myself become easily offended when they give me their advice and true opinions. I'm going to try to keep in mind that they know I'm an adult and I know they're adults too, and that yes, I do have a mind of my and that they know it, that they're just trying to help and trying to love me.
It may have seemed like I was just one big irritable ball of stress, that I was just sort of shutting myself off, and I'm not sure if that's the case but it might have, and I just need to clarify: I've been crying here and there, not just from frustration, but from sadness 'cause I'm leaving. This isn't like...some hugely easy thing for me to do. Oddly enough, when I left Pomona I didn't get this sad. I was more-so just determined to get the fuck outta there. This time I'm feeling a lot more sentimental. Maybe it's because I've lived here for over a year and in Pomona I'd lived there less-than, and also I had been in a huge rut that felt like I needed this chance to let the move become a beacon of light for me, but I'm not sure. It doesn't really matter, that's the past. Maybe it's the time in my life; maybe I'm just getting older, growing up a bit. I like that there's more emotion involved, that there's no bitterness in me while I'm leaving, because I don't need that. I don't have anyone to be angry with, and that's kind of nice. I used to be so angry, and so bitchy, and I don't even know why anymore.
Financially, I'm back where I started. My parents paid this last moth's rent, and they gave me money to get myself moved. I don't have a job, either, and I hadn't had one when I moved here. I've grown up a lot, though, and realized a lot about myself, and have been through a lot that I think are making me stronger. Maybe not necessarily more patient, because I don't really know if I am a patient person or not, but I can feel that I'm doing better. Recognizing that's a first, and it's nice to feel it.
Ugh, I'm gonna miss you guys, you don't even know.
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[05/13/07] |
[mood|  crappy]
[music| "Protegé Moi" -Placebo]
Migraines that make you cry aren't fun. I don't know how it's possible, but the Excedrine Tension Headache helped a lot, though I still kinda feel it but it's not making me wanna throw a chainsaw at people laughing outside anymore. But yeah, this was the first one that made me cry. I'm wondering if it's just stress or if they're getting worse, and whether or not I need to see a doctor or if it'd even make a difference.
I'm broke, and I don't think I'm gonna get any work before leaving the bay area, and I might need to ask my parents for more money. I hate that. But I do need to get my car fixed and get the tags updated 'cause...they're due on the 24th. And I need to get it smog checked before that as well. I dunno, I think I should just not do it and make sure I get to Oregon before the end of May 'cause the actual date-date isn't on the car, but that's a little risky, and I wonder if they give tickets up there as well for your tags being expired even if they're from another state. Probably. I probably shouldn't risk it either way. PLUS there's also a parking ticket in the picture. I kinda wish someone would just steal it for good anymore, haha. And now I'm down to just $20 to my name and I'm gonna run out of it soon 'cause I gotta get food. I wish I didn't take having an actual income for granted, I might not be in this mess if I'd saved more.
Ugh. But anyway. I'm getting excited about moving. I can't wait to see what the house looks like, what my new room looks like. Can't wait to sleep in a non-shitty bed, heh. At the same time I don't wanna leave, 'cause I do like the bay area, I do like my friends, and I could probably stay longer but the earlier I can become a resident up there the earlier I can pay lower tuition, and if I can go fall semester I'll be very happy.
I'm starting to come out of that numb stage, I'm definitely out of the depressed one, and I'm starting to rethink talking to a certain someone Lizzo hears about all the time and doesn't like even if she's never talked to her. It's just an online friend in Texas, and I've been talking to her since I was 19, then we had this hiatus where we didn't talk, and then she found me on myspace. I dunno. Everyone ends up giving up on her, supposedly, but she also shoves them away by constantly talking about hardships that are nothing compared to experiences I've heard other people go through, even ones I've gone through, and I'm kind of getting tired of her constantly talking about wanting to die, too. I'm too old to humor someone like that anymore, 'cause I'm a lot more jaded than I was at 19, I've been through a lot and gotten over a lot, and even if I'm still defensive and take things to heart, I don't whine about things all the time instead of trying to change them, and I don't bitch about not getting to go to a concert because my parents didn't wanna pay for it but they DID buy me a goddamn SIDEKICK and foot the bill for it every month, too, while I have a bartending license I'm not utilizing that costed $400 or so and am basically sitting on my ass every day without a job, WHILE still getting gas money for a FIREBIRD convertable (it's SUCH a nice car too) that I take wherever I want, INCLUDING to a store to get cigarettes which my parents are also paying for. Cigarettes. And her parents don't smoke. At least as far as I remember they don't. Okay, end rant.
I loves me some Placebo. I wanna make a video for one of their songs but I can't decide what, and I thought of one but I think it'd be more funny than anything else. Plus there'd probably not be enough footage anyway. I made a few videos and I'm kinda not sure I'm all that good at them, but eh, it's something else to do.
Marina was upset the other night and she and I talked for a couple hours. It was pretty nice, and I actually got her mind off of things, which I'm glad for, 'cause she actually had something to be hurting about. I know I joke about what happened with Cody and the fact that I'm almost positive he's always been gay, but I do feel bad for her. She fell for him long before she found out about him and Courtney, long before she and I had our blinders taken off, and I dunno. He's a major prick now and it just makes me wonder what's going on in his head, makes me wonder why he's being malicious. I'd like to think that there's a reason behind those things, even if it's not a good one. And she could always be telling me highlights of the situation, but he sounds like he's out to hurt her now. I always kind of knew Cody was a jerk, but now, from what he's been doing and how he's been acting (what I've heard, anyway), he's just a complete asshole. It makes me sad, but doesn't surprise me a lot. Not to mention when I was around his age I was the same way, I was a complete bitch and I was pretty mean. It's pretty funny how when you're older but not too much older, you still manage to notice trends in people who are a few years younger, noticing things they did that were similar, situations you had to go through. I wonder what he's going through. Why he decided to become such an egotistical fuck. I'm not gonna try and find out, 'cause getting through that shell would take napalm, and he'd never let someone like me in, it'd take a different kind of person all together, even if he and I tended to be on the same page. I still miss him, though. I miss Marina too, the way we had a lot of fun together, just being dorks and not caring.
Man, I'm babbling like crazy. I'ma stop for now.
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[04/29/07] |
[mood|  sore]
[music| The Academy Is... and Brand New]
I think it's kinda funny that I walked to 711 yesterday, and it was hot as hell, and today it's not too warm out and I probably wouldn't have died nearly as much as I did when I went yesterday. That hill's a bastard, too, and I need a gym membership or something 'cause my calves should NOT be hurting after walking for like, 15 minutes, granted it was up-hill both ways (haha) but it wasn't that big of a hill. It did feel good though, and it did save me from...you know, 15 minutes of boredom. It really did feel good to get outta the house too, since it had seemed like such a nice day. Little did I know it was HOT AS HELL out there.
So, I'm too fat for life.
Anyway.
I'm gonna file for restitution when I go pick up my copy of the police report. I guess it basically means that the fucker that stole my car will have to pay me back for the money it took for me to get the car outta the tow yard, and whatever the cost is gonna be for a new catalytic converter, which should be around $200. My parents are still sending money so I can get it done soon, but I'm gonna apply 'cause that's bullshit. I mean, I am glad I got it back, but I shouldn't have to pay that bullshit when I didn't do anything wrong.
My parents are gonna give me their old furniture when I move up to Oregon. It was actually my great-grandparents's before theirs, on my Mom's side, and they're gonna get all new furniture. It's nice and all, just sort of not me, but I'm not gonna say no to a queen-sized bed and dresser with a mirror on it and room to put stuff like makeup and pictures 'cause it's got little shelves. It's just kinda like, on the nice side, and it's all dark brown. I can deal with it, it's just gonna be strange to have my parents's furniture. I'll be reeeeally glad to get rid of that piece of shit twin that's got about an ounce of comfort in it. Plus the big-ass furniture might make for little space in a room, but I don't mind that so much as like...having to share a room with my little sister again. Ugh. NO. It's MUCH different when it's a 14-year-old who pretty much still wants to get into your stuff constantly.
I feel a bit better. It's a slow process, but it's happening. I still just kinda feel blank, but it's probably just 'cause there's this huge change that's gonna take place and I'm more-or-less trying to prepare myself in a way. Just to let it sink in.
I gotta figure out if I should bother putting tags on my car if I'm just gonna have to get it registered in Oregon anyway. They're due th 24th, and my Dad said he'd be here before then. Hmmm.
Sorry I didn't respond to comments, I still don't really know what to say to them except thank you. Just still kinda blank.
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| this body's already aging, these nights are already long. |
[04/26/07] |
[mood|  blank]
[music| "In Fear and Faith" -Circa Survive]
I don't know. I kinda keep waiting for the sign of what an exact week means. It feels like it should mean something, you know? Like...maybe today something else was gonna happen and God stopped it. Maybe I was supposed to start looking for cars for sale in Oregon today. I don't know why it needs to mean something, I don't think it really needs to mean anything at all. Just...I don't know. I think too much these days.
Today was so surreal, it was crazy. I didn't realize I was freaking out so bad. I think the scariest part was when the guy drove me into the building where my car was, this huge garage looking thing, and I was looking to my left and right and feeling my stomach knot 'cause every car we passed was totalled. And I kept thinking, it's gone. If it had been totalled, it would have been only a minor deterrent until I'm up in Oregon and my parents are sick of me borrowing the "old" Jag or the truck. I thought about it today and even if I kind of don't seem to fit my little Nissan, it still fits a hell of a lot more than my Dad's truck or my Mom's Jag. I don't really know what would fit me anyway.
I haven't felt like myself in a long time. I just feel blank, lately, with little moments of emotion or dry humor, and then these crashes which conveniently have been when no one else is around. Those crashes are usually just in my head, just...products of me thinking too much, but they still happen. I am happy my car's back, I am happy I'm moving and going to be stepping forward and maybe doing something smart for once, and I'm glad things aren't as bad as they really could be. I appreciate my friends, I appreciate my parents, I appreciate a lot, even if it doesn't show on my face, even if I don't say it. I've never been good with words, especially the spoken one, and I always seem to be creating theses sentences that make about as much sense as a Polanski film. I just feel worn out.
This is all not to say I don't feel like there's hope. I do. It's not a distant thought that things are gonna be okay. It just feels like nomatter what I do, nomatter what direction I go in, I'm kind of going in a way that leaves me with doubt. I think I can do the school thing, but living with my parents again kind of scares me, not only because of the stigma of it but because I know we get along better when we're not living in the same house. I don't know if they're going to treat me like a child again and I'm trying my hardest to give them the benefit of the doubt, but I'm starting to get scared that I'll end up getting defensive just because they're my parents and I'm not 19 or 15 or 12 anymore. I'm scared of hating it. I'm scared of getting annoyed at things. I'm just...hoping and trying to be positive and thinking that we're all more okay with each other, that I've grown up enough and they've seen that I am grown up enough for all of us to respect each other. But it's just hard. I have a habit of doing this, of pointing out the negative in the positive situations I'm embarking on. Of the ones I'm currently in. Things aren't as bad as I make them out to be, and I claim to be more optimistic but lately that hasn't been the case. I've always taken the hard way out, made things hard on myself, and I can't really seem to figure out why I can't just relax. I haven't really been happy in a long time and I'm pretty sure that's my fault. I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself, I'm just trying to figure it all out.
I think that once I'm in Oregon, once it sinks in that this isn't going to be bad just because it's a change, that there's really nothing to worry about because I don't even really know what all I'm worrying about, that I'll be okay. I manage to claw out of these rutts, and I will, I just don't know when it'll happen, and until then I'm sorry if I'm difficult in any way. I know how I can get and I'd wanna slap me.
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| the strength i had is gone, and i find it hard to get out of bed. |
[04/19/07] |
[mood|  blah]
[music| "Waiting for the News" -Midtown]
i'm trying not to be depressed but i can feel it weighing me down, trying to get in, and it's just becoming difficult.
i could probably walk somewhere, but this has honestly left me feeling like i'm not safe outside by myself.
probably ridiculous.
shit like this always seems to happen when i have no money.
bleh.
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[03/29/07] |
[mood|  exhausted]
I’ve got that lefty curse
Where everything I do is flipped
And awkwardly reversed
You’re seldom known and barely missed
I always put myself
In destructive situations
I need oxygen
To be exposed where no one goes, where no one’s been
When it all comes crashing…
Somebody get my phone
So I can throw it in a public
Pool and watch it float
And as it slowly sinking down,
Become a social ghost
Inside a box, cut at the top
To let some light shine in
To remind me what I’ve done and where I’ve been
When it all comes crashing...
Don’t give in, don’t give up,
I’ll be gone.
You don’t look innocent enough.
We’re too young to be critics
We won’t miss anything at all
Don’t give in, don’t give up
I don’t look innocent with this big, big mess on,
I’ll say something else.
Don’t give in, don’t give up (we've got a big, big mess)
I’ll be gone. (a big, big mess)
I don’t look innocent enough
We’re too young to be cynics (we've got a big, big mess on our hands)
We won’t wish any harm at all
Don’t give in, don’t give up (we've got a big, big mess)
No one looks innocent with this big big mess on our hands tonight.
(a big, big mess. we've got a big, big mess on our hands)
When it all comes crashing.
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| I've come to wrap you up tight 'til it's time to bite down. |
[03/12/07] |
[mood|  irritated]
[music| "The Recluse" -Cursive]
I dunno, I guess it was just stupidity on my part. I didn’t even think it was that big of a deal to me, when Marina and I were starting to talk again randomly here and there, but things took yet another turn. My money says she’s back with Cody again or something, or trying to get back together and get in good with him, hence the lack of recent contact. We had talked about me coming down this coming weekend for my Dad and Grandpa’s birthday party my parents are hosting and she sounded so damn excited, offered me a place to stay, said we should do stuff, yadda yadda. I don’t hear from her for a couple weeks randomly, and the last time I did hear from her, she mentioned she had plans to have dinner with Cody.
Well, she posted a bulletin that said, “To the people on my friends list, how are you?” I replied and asked if she wanted to do something this Saturday. She said she was going to go to a club with Patti, and said “but you can go if you want.”
I don’t remember the last time I actually said I wanted to go to a club. In fact it might not have been said, unless I said it in the following way: “I wanna go to the clubs in Tiajuana.” She knows I don’t like ‘em, and after hearing about her near-lesbian experience I’m really not interested. Patti is a lesbian and I have nothing against them. I don’t even have anything against clubs. I do have a problem with the fact that she can go to a club with Patti any goddamn time she wants, but I don’t come down to LA all that often, and after all that bullshit, I guess she doesn’t wanna hang out after all. She just wanted someone who hasn't heard everything 15 million times and who actually hung out with Cody at one time to hear her side.
Maybe it’s me that’s putting myself on too high of a pedestal, but I’m tired of this. I’d say “I’m done,” but I’ve said that before, and here I am again.
Sometimes, yeah, optimism does suck. I’m not gonna start becoming negative, but I need to finally let my Mother’s words and Lizzo’s words and a few other people’s words to finally sink in: she’s not a good friend. She randomly abandoned me again and gave me the cold shoulder, and I’m not surprised, and it hurts a little even though it shouldn’t, and I know it’s kinda pathetic. But I’m taking her off my friend’s list and she can find out randomly that she’s not my friend anymore, ‘cause I don’t wanna deal with it anymore. I’m tired of letting this get to me, when she obviously doesn’t care.
This is kind of a hint as to why I’m sort of closed off, heh.
I was in a great mood today, but then I started thinking.
Oh, me.
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| Trying to keep this positive thinking thing I've got going to keep on rolling. |
[03/06/07] |
[mood|  good]
[music| "Transatlanticism" -Death Cab for Cutie (which is making me sad now, pfff)]
It’s funny, ‘cause I’m starting to realize more and more that when I was younger, when I was outta high school and still living with my parents, that I thought a lot differently. I nit-picked at everything and honestly, I treated them as though they owed me. Like I was robbed of something, though I wasn’t, and I made the little things so big, especially when it came to money. It’s something everyone goes through, and I’m not going to apologize to anyone except them for how I’d behaved, and I think I already have, but perspective changes when they begin to become equals. At first I was so damned defensive of the money I made, the hard work I’d put in, and the fact that it should’ve been all mine. It took me having to move out of their place to really see that I didn’t have it hard at all. $200 a month didn’t seem fair, because my brother had to pay the same and he had his own room with a lock and I had to share mine, but man, I had it easy. They bought the food, they took me out once in a while, they paid the utilities, the house payment, they even paid for my car insurance AND my car. I realize that I had it a lot better than some people in the world; that I’m pretty damn lucky I have parents like them, and I hope I become like them when I’m older, at least in that department. Yeah, my Dad made it difficult to ask for help sometimes, but anyone would. If I asked a bank for a loan they’d probably laugh in my face ‘cause of how my credit looks; I wouldn’t trust me if I saw my credit history, that I’ve screwed up lots and lots of times just because I didn’t know better and thought I did. But my parents trust me. They know I’ll pay them back. I’m learning more and more that they deserved to be sort of irritated ‘cause dammit if they weren’t putting a lot of money into my existence and I was acting pretty ungrateful. Even if they didn’t have enough money to give me everything my selfish and childish heart desired, it’s not like they didn’t do good enough, and I’ve known this for years in a subconscious way, it’s just starting to become more and more obvious the more I’m exposed to certain situations. They worked their asses off to make me comfortable, and I appreciate them more and more.
I don’t know. There are a lot of things that are getting on my nerves here and there lately, but it is nice to have reinforcement in my family, an issue I had been very sensitive about for a long time. Distance does make the heart grow fonder, and now that I don’t have this barrier of guilt for not admitting things, that I need help, I feel like I can actually call my Mom and talk to her, ‘cause I do like talking to her. She and I are pretty good friends, not just Mother and Daughter, and I’ve seen enough bad relationships between mothers and daughters to know I shouldn’t take that for granted anymore. The same goes for my Dad; he’d never steer me wrong, and I do sometimes have a problem with him telling me what to do, it’s just something that’s inherent in me and something I have yet to get over from being a know-it-all teenager and might never get over, but he only has my best interest at heart. He’s just not the type to sugar-coat things, which might be in my best interest, anyway. And when it comes to me NOT being a total moron, he’s very loving and funny, and I never have a bad time when I visit them.
The situation I’m in isn’t bad at all, either. $300 a month isn’t something I’d get away with anywhere else, I don’t think. I only really contribute once in a while with things like soda, and to me it’s not a big deal, because I had to buy all my own food before, I had to take myself out all the time if I wanted to eat. I got kinda touchy about it last week, but that was mostly ‘cause I was so damn broke I couldn’t buy something to fill in the gaps of the fridge, and those gaps were huge. I’m still adjusting to the fact that if I want something I’m probably gonna have to go buy it myself, ‘cause I’m not the only one who’s tired from work and doesn’t wanna go to the store and who feels strapped for cash, and that’s just the way it is. It’s not horrible, it’s just that I’m gonna have to do exactly what I had been doing before, only things like soda get shared, and I don’t have a big problem with that, it’s just getting into the store and out that’s a pain in the ass, and sometimes it’s not easy for me to afford it. I’m starting to mind less and less that sometimes I can’t go to the movies or buy something ‘cause I think I’d rather not sit there and be thirsty and not wanna drink tap water, or wanna actually FIND something to eat, haha.
Yeah, I’m basically babbling by now. Buh-bye.
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|
| speaking of beating a dead horse |
[03/05/07] |
[mood|  calm]
[music| "Enjoy the Silence" -Depeche Mode]
Okay, so basically, things are looking up. I dunno, I had this whole idea in my head that I kind of couldn’t talk to my parents, and now I’m contemplating calling my Mom on my lunch break. I guess it’s cause I knew I was hiding something big from them and that they’d tell me “you’re smarter than that” for doing. It’s an excuse and not a very good one, and I put myself through a good year and a half of stress over something that could’ve been solved within like, five minutes had I had the guts to actually ask for help. At the time, yeah, it was sort of scary and I didn’t want to dig a deeper hole than I already created for myself, but I wouldn’t have been sent to the guillotine or anything, I probably would’ve just had to pay them back $200 instead of $720 + $670. Yeah, huge numbers there, kids.
I feel a lot better, and there’s a ton of weight off my shoulders, though I have some stress still with the money ‘cause if I didn’t my heart probably would’ve stopped beating, haha. It’s sort of in my nature to worry, though I do little about things other than worry sometimes, but I’m trying to learn. I’m 23 and still learning, and I guess it’s easy to look at it from the outside and say “that’s not that hard of a lesson” but believe me, until you find yourself in the middle of things, you don’t know situations. That’s something I try to keep in mind, and it doesn’t always work, but I try. That’s all anyone can do, right? Next step is paying my parents back, then trying to save up to make a payment on my student loan and also save for a trip to SoCal, and man, it’s all starting to feel a little overwhelming again, but I’m gonna try to set that feeling aside until I finish paying one thing off, then move on. I shoulda bought that lottery ticket, haha.
I still feel sort of weird, not exactly like myself, though it’s hard for me to define who that is/was anymore. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, I guess it’s just part of the whole process of getting older. I’m not in a rush to figure out who I am, ‘cause I’ve been told by a few 26-year-olds as well as 30-somethings that they don’t know who they are, and I figure it’s possible for that to last my entire life, considering how indecisive I am. I’m not going to stress on that ‘cause I figure, as long as I’m moderately happy, and am being responsible at least to a certain extent, and realize I don’t know everything there is to know, then I’m in good shape. And if I don’t become something socially considered great, if I don’t do everything my naïve and childish little heart decided I need to do before I die, it won’t be something to have any real regret over. There are only so many people who do exactly what they want to, and enjoy doing it, and love their jobs, and I’m starting to accept that maybe I’m not going to be a great writer or actress. It’s a sad realization, and it doesn’t have to be that way, I mean, I could probably make a difference if I worked my ass off, but I haven’t, and I doubt I’ll get around to it, because I’m learning more and more that I’m inherently lazy, especially when it comes to something I have little confidence in anyway. Maybe one day I’ll snap out of it and realize it doesn’t matter what any one person thinks or any million people think, as long as I have the people who love me, and as long as I’m happy, and as long as I tried, but until then I’m just sort of trying to figure out an alternative. Maybe teaching. I don’t know, that’s a big “maybe” right there.
Soon, I am going to get a match.com account and try it out. Haha. I dunno, we’ll see. I’m just sort of done with being alone. I don’t feel desperate anymore, it’s not so bad being single, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’d like to share my experiences with someone.
Today’s a good day, I feel good.
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| 4tgbbicbfe |
[02/27/07] |
[mood| irritated] [music| "Wicked Game" -Chris Isaak (part of my "work playlist")]
It sucks a whole lot when your job is incredibly good, and you like it and you don’t have this aggravated sigh every time you get into the car to go there, and then one person comes in and fucks it all up ‘cause she’s on a power trip.
I guess all I can do is get a new job, and try to make sure that if I’m ever in a position of authority that I don’t act like that bitch. I’m not 4 years old, I make mistakes just like I’m sure she has, and I deserve to be respected as much as she does. Just because she’s older and has a higher position doesn’t mean she can treat me like I don’t deserve the shit stuck under her ugly-ass orthopedic shoes. It’s nice that she isolates me too; no one else gets her fucking attitude.
In other news, I’m doing better. Feels like I’m starting to get my shit together, though the next month or two are going to be difficult, as far as money goes.
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[02/20/07] |
[mood| gloomy] [music| "Daphne Descends” –Smashing Pumpkins]
I dunno.
I didn’t mean to lie, but I guess I’m not completely okay. I think I might have overcompensated for the situation to keep the peace by saying that I was okay, and that’s my fault.
I will be okay, and I don’t mean to make you feel bad because of it, but I’m trying to be honest, and I don’t want to become the hardened person I started to become last night. I was starting to completely shut down, and I can’t pretend there’s nothing left over.
This is more or less just a fair warning if I seem quiet or short. I’m not really dwelling, it's just a slower process than I thought.
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| Same shit, different day. |
[02/08/07] |
[mood|  exhausted]
[music| "9 Crimes" -Damien Rice]
I’m tired of feeling half-awake and hormonal and suddenly surprised with things that probably shouldn’t be flying over my head. I'm tired of missing my Mom like crazy. I'm tired of wishing I were closer to my nephew. I'm tired of wanting someone to magically appear and love me. I'm tired of being emo.
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